I never knew the real process of grief before my dad died. I honestly thought when someone dies you just cry a lot. The last person I lost who was close to me was my grandmother. I was a teenager and although I cried a lot and missed her it was nothing like what is going on with me now. The weeks after dad died I had really bad anxiety, couldn’t sleep, I would just sit and cry. It’s all I did. Then I got angry. I don’t really want to be around anyone but people who are close to me. I went with my mom to pick up Dad’s ashes. I have a small urn of dad on my mantel now. Im in denial about the whole thing. My brain tells me its just a ring box or something. Peyton made Poppy a lego race car and put it next to him. Sweet Peyton. We’re all grieving in our own way.
The funeral home also gave mom a veterans flag. It sits on her fireplace next to a picture of dad. Dad kept reminding mom to make sure she picked up the flag after he was gone. It was really important to him, he really wanted her to have it.
The anger, the tears, the anxiety, stress, all of it. I didn’t know but all of it is grief. It’s a whole process and it hits you in different ways at different times. I go through my days wanting to see dad and feel guilty because I want him here. But for him to be here, he’d be in the hospital, on oxygen, hurting. So much guilt. It’s awful. So many days I hear myself say “Jesus come now!” Im so glad dad isn’t hurting anymore though. I think that is what gets me through my rough days.
Ive been going through my flickr account at night or when everyone is at school. Looking at pictures of my dad when he was healthy. On vacations or just at home. I found a framed picture with a few pictures of dad in a drawer a few days after he died. This is one of them it was taken before Jason and I were married we went to Florida with my parents. This was taken in Walt Disney World. We had a blast! It was pouring outside. It was so much fun!
This one was also in the frame. Taken at Panchos Restaurant. Dad loved that place.
Another favorite I found….
Before the boys started the new school year I went through their closets, trying to figure out what they needed and what they have outgrown. While I was going through Jayden’s closet his baby album fell off the shelf and opened to this page. Love these sweet pictures!
Mom has been going through some of dad’s things. It breaks my heart for her. I took a few sweaters of his she was going to donate. Peyton reading in one of Poppy’s sweaters. I loved seeing him do this.
When the boys are home I get more done. I think I just dont want them to see me a mess. Im doing my best to keep things normal. We visit mom a lot and spend a lot of time outside. It business as usual. Im so thankful for my little family.
Playdate at my sister’s house…. always an adventure!
Jayden started karate. He loves it! Peyton took video one day while we were there. When we watched the video later there was a tiny white light following Jayden everywhere. Every time he kicked, walked back and forth, the light was right there. At one point it was floating all over his face. I honestly think it was dad. We took video the next day, just to see if it could possibly be a reflection or the sun coming through the window, but the light wasn’t there. Ive watched the video a lot. It amazes me. Peyton took a still shot of the video. You can see the light between Jayden and the instructor.
Ive been reading a lot. The books are helping me and are really good. I realize I probably need grief counseling but Im just not ready to do go yet. Im kind of sick of hearing I need it…. I know I do. Ill get there when Im ready. Right now Im reading and spending time with my mom. Im ok.
These books are really good.
I had a dream before dad died that he came to me and was dressed up like he was going on a trip. I kept asking him why he wouldn’t try to do his rehab anymore. All he did was smile and walk next to me. The first book is about hospice nurses and stories they hear of the dying. It explained a lot of when dad went through. Him coming to me in my dream was his way of letting me know he was leaving soon. I know I might sound crazy. But it all makes sense to me now. Im thankful for the dreams I have of him, before and after he died. A few weeks before Dad died he told a nurse he bought tickets to vegas and they were going to leave soon. Turns out its common for the dying to talk about random trips they are going to take. They know they will be leaving soon. Ive had a few dreams of dad since he died…. In the first one I walked up to him, he was sitting in his chair. We were at our old house on Oakbriar. I was so happy to see him but knew it was a dream. I told him I loved him and he smiled at me and nodded his head. He looked so happy. I turned my head so he couldn’t see me cry. When I turned back around he was gone. I woke up crying. Another dream, also in our Oakbriar house (I grew up there, lots of great memories in that house), in the dream dad was making one of his famous huge fires in the wood fireplace. I was helping him and noticed he had a cigarette in his mouth. I got really angry. (Dad died of COPD). I kept telling him he couldn’t smoke that it would make him sick. He never lit the cigarette. He just smiled through it looking at me like he can’t be hurt anymore. I felt horrible when I woke up that I was so mad at him.
Another book I just finished and loved is 90 Minutes In Heaven. It’s amazing to think what dad is experiencing now. The book made me feel really good and helps me a lot when Im missing dad.
A friend gave me Jesus Today. Such a great devotional book! I am so thankful for the sweet friends in my life.
Both boys had their first sleepover on the same night…. Normalcy is good for these sweet boys! They had a blast and were worn out the next day.
Jayden couldn’t keep his eyes open the next day…. Thanks Tiffany! He had a blast!
It was also the night that Jason’s sister and BIL came in town. We had a good time catching up with dinner on the green egg and a few adult beverages.
We showed Aunt Tracy and uncle Scott around DFW. We stopped at the Founders Plaza to see Qantas land at the airport, we also visited dad’s brick and left a flower for him. Thank you Peyton!
Im so very thankful for the flowers and cards we have received…. The cards filled up our mantel for a long time. These flowers were from our church…. I took them to my mom so she could enjoy them. Love our church family!
Thank you sweet neighbors for thinking of us!
We’re so thankful for the prayers and sweet hugs…. we are all getting through it the best we know how. Grief is no joke, but we’re doing ok.